Chapter V, Part I. Ersatz
Yorck! Ersatz Yorck!
Admiral Letters was sipping Earl Grey tea (hot) when suddenly the windows
shattered more convincingly than a Tiger class battlecruiser. Dark huddled
forms wearing ski masks pushed their way and tackled the pretenious old
man before he could even utter a "Mein Gott!"
Germany's most well known hero was being kidnapped!!!! Right out of his
own office no less. The indignity of it!
Meanwhile over at the Blon und Voss shipyard a similar action was taking
place, only this time it was a battlecruiser being kidnapped!
The new Yorck. Ersatz ship for the old cruiser being retired and reputedly
sporting 15" guns had caused Winston Churchill to lose many hours
of sleep. Now she was being commendered by the Royal Navy which for some
unfathomable reason found itself in the market for battlecruisers.
Having secured the partially completed ship they were soon met by Commando
Team II carrying a struggling fork bearded devil in tow.
He didn't look happy.
Meanwhile deep inside the hull agents were hard at work unpacking a strange
looking contraption with many parts and what suspiciously looked like
"Careful with those Tesla coils!!!" Sgt Nik Tesla shouted at
the buffoon who dropped one, causing it to walk down the steps to the
lower deck all by itself.
"Those things cost me 5 shillings over at the five and dime store
mate," Tesla continued to grumble. Time was against them and he knew
A harried looking older gentleman rushed up to Tesla.
"Ok, we've secured the ship and locked up all the Huns in the coal
bunkers. Er.....now what?"
"Now....we travel to England in style" Tesla replied, a dreamy
look coming across his face
"erm, I did mention that the ship has no engines did'n i?"
Tesla focused on him "Engines?......we don need no stinkin engines!
Not when we have my figitbizit device, CAREFUL WITH THOSE TESLA COILS!!" that last shouted at the technicians as yet more green coils escaped their
grasp and began walking down various parts and ladders
Meanwhile, news of Admiral Letters' kidnapping had roused the local authorities.
Admiral Tirpitz was immediately notified
"Kidnapped you say??!!! how terrible!"
he gasped, the effect ruined partially by the fact that he was grinning
the whole time.
"We really must make every effort to recover him at once!!"
"Shall I alert the Kaiser sir?" an aide asked
"No no, I'll handle this personally" Tirpitz replied, a chuckle
doing its best to escape from his weathered lips. "say....after dinner......maybe."
Meanwhile back at the ship. German marines had gathered around the ship
slip with rifles cocked. All they needed now was the order to proceed.
Having secured a megaphone the Major in charge shouted up at the bow
of the mighty but incomplete warship.
"Come out with your hands up!!!!"
"Not by the hair of my chiny chin chin you Hun bastards" a
faint reply could be heard coming down from the bow section.
Just then a runner came up and whispered urgently into the Major's ear.
His gaze hardened as the news was given. Once more he called up to the
"I repeat, come out with your hands up, and hand over Letters too."
"Letters? I'll give you four letters!!"
He did so.
Suddenly the German commander flushed an angry red as the translation
came in. "I mean hand over Admiral Letters!!!!
"ADMIRAL LETTERS!!!!! A name that should cause every Limey sailor
on this planet to cringe in fear!!"
"Never 'eard of em" was the smug reply.
The Major had to count to ten before continuing. "You will hand
over the Admiral or else we will come in after you!!! You have five minutes
"Ah sod off ya old bugger. Remember the Invincible!!!! and the Indefatigable,
and the Indomitable, and er....the Tiger, and uhm, the Inflexible, the
Monarch, the Ajax, Dreadnought, Colossus, Queen Mary, Princess Royal and
"psst, sir" a young aide whispered to him "You forgot
the Australia and New Zealand"
"oh yes....silly of me" He called out again "And the Australia
and New Zealand, and aw.....hell with it REMEMBER BLOODY EVERYONE!!!!!"
The five minute deadline had now shortened to 2.5 minutes
Deep inside the hull, Tesla was still hard at work.
"I hate to rush you old chap but the Hun are all around us and are
about to assault our position"
"Almost got it" Tesla replied absently. "Now did the green
wire go here? or was it the red wire....."
What was needed here was a delaying tactic. Fortunately, the Commander
had recently returned from a trip to Rochester NY and had learned a new
techique long practiced in the Colonies.
"Get Letters up here at once!" he shouted to an aide. This
was going to be good.
With the five minute deadline having passed the German Major was just
about to give the go ahead order when suddenly a familiar and well known
figure appeared at the bow. Letters!!!
"Release him at once!!!" the Major shouted
"I don't think so mate!" The commander shouted back. "One
false move out of you lot and your precious Admiral here gets the biggest
wedgie ever seen this side of the Atlantic!!!"
Letters paled visibly and cocked a worried glance at the other man "Y-You
would'nt dare Sir!!! I am a personal confidant of the Kaiser himself!!"
"Yeah? send 'im over and i'll give 'is 'ighness a Kaiser sized wedgie
too, though he already looks like he's had one too many of late."
Meanwhile down on the dock an urgent conference was taking place
"By the Emperor, What is a wedgie?" the baffled Major asked
his aides in exasperation
Fortunately, one of his own aides had recently been to America as well.
He whispered urgently into the Major's ear.
His eye's widened, and his lower lip trembled "The FIENDS!!!!!"
"Tesla, if your gonna make that contraption work its got to be NOW!!!"
"Green before blue.....blue before red....twice around and__" Tesla contiinued to mumble
"oh, right sorry sir....everyone buckle down.... here goes nothing.."
He threw the switch, sending thousands of volts through the mryid of
green coils surrounding him.
"Way cool....." Tesla muttered in appreciation
The Major was still conversing animatedly on the phone when an aide tapped
him on the shoulder.
"Not now!!!" the major shouted at him.
"S-sir, you'd better turn around and look at this"
"Look? Look at what? one of our fine battlecruisers being defecated
on by those nasty Brits?? i'm busy!!!"
"Sir please turn around!!"
Esasperated the major whirled around "Look at..Wvaaa..."
Staring back at the Major was a now empty ship slip. Surrounded by equally
puzzled looking German marines.
"Hammina Hammina Hammina...." the Major could be heard whispering
over and over....
"IT WORKED!!!" Tesla shouted, "It actually worked!!!!
heh and all those doubting thomases over at the message board at Oxford
thought i was a loon without a clue. Shows THEM something I'll say."
"Are we in England now?" the shaken Commander asked
"Right as rain or my name aint 'TESLA' "
"Jolly good show old man, shall we escort our prisoner out to the
Headline taken from the New York Times article dated June 17, 1915;
ERSATZ YORCK, SUDDENLY APPEARS IN NEW YORK, NEW YORK
-local authorities and various foreign diplomats at a loss to explain
sudden appearance of what looks to be a warship of distinctly German manufacture
in New York harbor.
On approach to the mammoth vessel a comotion could be seen occuring in
the fordeck. A sharp looking man who appeared to be wearing underwear
over his head was jumping up and down making various pained noises.
A distinquished fork bearded gentleman was seen wandering around the
deck whispering "Mein Gott" over and over again.
Two closed mouthed individuals who would only identify themselves as "Bill" and "Ted" of His Majesty's Goverment immediately
requested to be put in touch with the local British diplomat.
On being questioned as to the origin of their bizzare transport vessel
they would only say that it was actually to 'gift' to the United states
to promote most 'excellent' relations with their cousins across the waters."
Asked for further comment, the older German man was quoted as saying "Mein Gott."
The man most responsible for this most extraordinary set of circumstances
could not be reached for comment, medics are still at this time attempting
the extract him from his underpants.
More to come as info comes in!!!
Colnille, Tarrantry 2020
"So you see, LCDR Demus," offered Admiral Cebrowski (not any
actual, living Admiral Cebrowski), "There just isn't any conclusive
evidence that your cloaking device really works."
"But, Admiral, how do you explain the repeated success in all of
our exercises? What about our hiiden approach to the action off Singapore?" While the young commanding officer's voice was steady, beneath his shirt
his massive pectoral muscles rippled with the frustration of the criticism.
"There are places in naval combat for both technology and doctrine,"
stated Admiral Cebrowski in a matter-of-fact manner. Chiffon stood close
beside him, nodding her head up and down almost sensually as she ran her
fingers through the bits of hair remaining at the sides of the old man's
scalp. "There is also a place for genius, young man. I think that
your tactical brilliance has upset our tactical trials."
"Admiral, I hardly think that brilliance could be the right word..." started the young officer. A simple lift of the Admiral's hand stilled
even his robust masculine physique -- this was a contest of ideas, and
Admiral Cebrowski had to be respected.
"LCDR Demus, accept the brilliance with which you were born, and
use it to defend our freedoms. I could ask of you nothing more."
Admiral Cebrowski stifled a yawn, and then he rose from his chair. "Chiffon,
I must retire. Please make our guest feel cozy and welcome," said
"Of course," whispered Chiffon. LCDR Demus could say nothing.
In fact, he suddenly found it challenging to move.
The admiral left the room. Chiffon turned away for a moment, bending
down to a small cooler beside the admiral's chair. The lower edge of the
lacy baby doll fluttered enticingly at the very top of the backs of her
thighs while LCDR Demus stared helplessly. Then she turned around with
a black can and a tall, chilled glass. With a gentle "Pop!" the nitrogen cartridge released its load into the Guinness Stout, and
the liquid foamed into the glass cupped gently in her soft hand, surging
irresistably to reach the top, then spilling over in rush of liquid across
the soft, plush rug...
Chiffon leaned down close in front of her guest, the loose top of her
baby doll drooping revealingly. To the perfect naval hero seated before
her, she whispered only one question:
"Would you like something to drink?"
Lt. Cmdr. Demus took a large steadying swig of the brew and exhaled gently,
admiring the vew. Chiffon smiled up at him with wide eyes.
"The Admiral did say I was to make you feel cozy and welcome...
now, where shall we start?" she cooed, edging closer.
"Umm... " Demus gulped and pondered the many lovely scenarios
his brain flashed before him - vistas of delight. An angry, fork-beared
face appeared in the window of the cabin door, suddenly disrupting his
"You!! Dumkopf!!" The man accompanied his shout with an angry
pounding on the portal.
Chiffon turned at the noise, took one look at the man, screamed in fright
and leaped into Demus' arms.
"EEK!! A monster!! Save me!!"
The door banged open, admitting a very irritated German Admiral. A World
War I-vintage German Admiral. He stared at Demus with smoldering eyes.
Demus held the lady, and managed to look manly and menacing at the old
man. "That's not a monster... it's... um... Who are you?" he
managed to squeak.
"Tirpitz, you fool! Your idot avatar, Nik Tesla, has managed to
lose Letters in New York!! No, worse, Letters gave him a turbo wedgie,
and while he was occupied, he stole all the tesla coils, bought up all
the slinkies in the city, and ... and... " he paused to catch his
breath, his face an alarming red color.
"And?" Demus prompted, almost afraid to hear more, but drawn
like a moth to a flame to hear the rest of the mariner's rhyme.
"And he's vanished with half the US fleet!! The insufferable @#!!$!" Tirpitz was positively choleric.
"He's taken the Navy's ships?!"
"All the new ones! I can't believe they let him slip away!!" As Tirpitz went off into another gale of Germanic invective, Demus thought
sadly about his delayed coziness.
On the bridge of a fine new cruiser, Baron Letters nodded politely at
the sailor who was dubiously watching a slinky climb down the tripod mast
ladder rungs. "Ahead flank for Wilhemshaven, don't spare the horses."
He smiled into the salt-tinged evening air and began to sing in a fine
baritone, "If I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere, it's up
to you, New York, New York..."